aleshagodinosur

I sometimes wonder who I am. It is so hard to see. I am so blinded by little trivial problems in my life. I wish I didn't want to be around people all the time. The truth is that I get crazy lonely. I just want to know the answers to everything. I don't want to gamble with the unkown future. I wish I could also be content with myself. I know that other people see something in me. Something good. And yet there are others who live to knock me down. WHo say that I am selfish, self-interested. I talk about my physical ailments too much, my feelings. I have always been sensitive. WHat kills me is when people tell me that I need to aqcuire a thick skin. I can't do this. I never have been able to. ALl my life basically since birth I have been sensitive. Always wanting to make people smile, always feeling hurt if my actions affect others negatively, and always being especially hurt when those I care about cut me out. I have been cut out of a few lives. I dont really know how to deal with this. I want to stay around if only as a background thought. To know that I am so unbearable, so horrible that I cant possibly be tolerated and can never be talked to ever again is simply too much to bear. especially when I feel I have made a connection. I feel as though I imagined the whole thing and am therefor mentally insane. I just want some answers I want to feel like I am okay. I want life to be okay. And I definitely hope that 2009 is better than 2008. ICK.

These past few weeks have been very interesting. It seems my life is on a scale, when things go right the other things have to go exponentially wrong. I Am so ashamed of the way I have done in school this semester. It was such a big deal to me to get into the college I did and I feel I have messed it all up. In other ways, I am very happy. I can barely contain myself most of the time. But I am not used to this feeling, and I find it all a little scary. I know I can continue on with this. Sometimes I am just afraid of what will happen in the future and I feel like I need to know now.

How is it our hearts continue to beat with all the mayhem,
the world swirls in watercolors around us,
my fingertips become the brush,
I want to be a change in the world,

I want to change your world,
I want to paint in colors you've never seen before,
to take your breath away with my technique,
I don't know what I am doing, but I want to learn.

I was never the artist,
if paper were a canvas I could decorate it with words,
but never with colors the way you do,
please teach me to see more color in the world,

you already help me so much,
you already help me to see new color,
every time you smile at me you make changes,
the sunset is more beautiful,

and the world is my canvas, and I can paint until I fall asleep.

I have finally broken free from all the things I have felt were holding me back. Now the only thing that seems to hold me back is myself. I feel as though I am now in the middle of a foggy light storm, but the sun is finally peeking through the clouds. I can feel hints of it warming the back of my neck, and although it is cold outside, I have the inside of your weathered pockets to keep me warm. I tug at the strings, much like you tugging at my heart strings. Day after day I glance lazily at you, playing over the words in my mind. How can I tell you the contents of every corner of my mind? I wish I could empty the contents out as easily as emptying an old purse, dumping it onto the table and rifling through my gum and ciggerette wrapper thoughts, the occasional business card reminding me of an old regularity. I want to be able to smile at you without hints of sadness behind it. I want to feel you without guilt, without shame. I want to know that I am worth your time. Most of all I just want to be here. When I think of all the people I have hurt, People who may never be able to breathe in the same scents, laugh the same or be the same anymore all because of me, I feel dead and weightless. I no longer no what is going on.

So I am pretty sure I had one of these journals about 4 years ago and never went on it,  but I have recently become involved with my writing again, which makes me very happy. Let me start off by saying that I used to write all the time, every second of my life it seemed was spent writing and it was the one way I felt I could adequately express myself. Around people I felt akward, embarrassed and ashamed about the things I was feeling, and it seemed that no one understood me and the way that I felt no matter how hard I tried to explain it to them. The first part of my adult or should I say adolescent life was a constant roller coaster, and I felt like I was alone in the front seat with no safety restraints. (I happen to be terrified of roller coasters because of my overwhelming fear of heights, but always go on anyway and panic halfway up the hill!) I suffered from severe depression, and felt isolated from the world. I was able to separate my feelings from the feelings of others, because I had convinced myself so well that no one in the world cared about me. By convincing myself of this I suppose, I was better able to not be hurt when I was rejected by others, because otherwise I felt these feelings of concern would have torn me apart. There was a smooth patch for awhile, in which I felt as though I had my life under control, and where I was positive and optimistic. I had everything I thought I wanted and everything I thought I needed to live out the rest of my life. Sadly, God doesn't care about our plans. As soon as we believe we have it all figured out, something else happens that makes me feel again like a delicate china doll, a smile painted on its face, but still so breakable, anticipating a fall that will shatter that pretty little red smile off of my face. I have also come to notice about life, that good things are often paired with bad, but that more often than that even, bad events or painful events or even a shining combination of both seem to present themselves in sequences. I often wonder if this is because we are upset and therefor careless and more apt to unfortunate mishap, or if it is simply fates way of keeping us from going through severe emotional turmoil each day. I mean usually, at least from my experience periods of bad are followed by periods of good, where nothing seems to wrong for a while. If every day we were to have our hearts broken and have horrible luck in the universe we would all be horrible, droning, jaded zombies who would not even try for good because we  would know the sequence of things and that surely anything good will lead us to something bad. I sometimes would sacrifice good if it meant I didn't have to have bad. At least that's what I tell myself. I feel all the times my heart has been broken and my hopes in people and humanity in general have not been met should have quashed every glimmering hope from my soul. However, I am always looking for the little moments, whether it will hurt later to lose them or not, my life is full of beautiful little moments that make my heart soar and monumental heart breaks that seem to shove these moments under the rug. I am always looking for that shooting star, that anything that will make my wishes come true. I always hope but not expect, but then I am devastated when life does not go my way. It is especially hard with matters of the heart. When uoi know you would basically die for a person and they don't feel the same way, and all you want to do is be better for them, prettier happier, shinier, more special, more nice, more worthy. However, what usually ends up happening is that we become angry, hurt, we push away the people we love the most, and do the opposite of what we want. I am not a mean person, I do not like to hurt people, I don't like to see people cry, and I honestly would not wish tears on my worst enemy. However, I think we all have this place inside of us, the place where we can deny we feel, we can put up our walls and push people off of them, because it's easier that way. We all want what's easy, we want what is emotionally convenient. I can say the most hurtful things to the people I love the most, because I can't handle pain. I try so hard to be strong, we all try to be strong. The problem is, you can be strong all you want, but you can't erase your feelings. I have learned this the hard way with the bottling method, bottle it up and it's fine right? Yea just smile and no one will notice (they do) and if you don't acknowledge your feelings they merely do not exist anymore. I wish so much this was the case. Sadly, you realize very quickly these feelings exist when your sitting around with your closest friends drinking a couple beers and break out into sudden fervent tears which don't seem to stop flowing until the morning. Yes, another lesson learned the hard way. Bottling up never works, because when this drunken episode occurs it is undoubtedly certain that you will be tearfully exclaiming your woes to anyone who will listen, which kind of defeats the purpose of trying to hide it for weeks. I have also come to notice a strange new development with alcohol and I. Sometimes It is great, I am happy, smiling, loving, I want to dance and have fun and be me ( a very uninhibited me ) and sometimes I am the crazy girl I mentioned previously. And unfortunately for me I can't always tell before drinking what will happen. It always starts out happy, but sometimes seems to drift to the other negative place and at other times not. Thats the same way I feel life treats me these days. Sometimes, I have my satchel full of shining little diamond moments that make my heart soar and sometimes it it an empty bag that feels like there are lead weights sewn into the fabric. I am figuring it all out day by day, but until then, I am just so glad to be writing again.